I Wanted to Say, I'm Sorry
by youren0tahero
Summary: It's been two years since Blaine Anderson disappeared. It's been one year since Kurt gave up on his endeavor to find the boy who did not want to be found. It's been eight days since Kurt accepted the fact that he would never see Blaine again. And then Blaine shows up at his door. (kind of badboy!blaine, rated m for language, small amount of smut and substance abuse.)


**A/N**: The idea for this story just came to me one day when I was laying in bed watching TV. It's sat in my WIP folder forever and last night around 1 am I got motivated to write. So, by 6 am this story was complete :) I hope you guys like it. (Also, I don't know what it is with me and Kum as midgame in Klaine fics, but it happens so, I mean, fair warning. Also I like to cuss a lot and there _is_ a sex scene in here somewhere.) This fic is unbeta'ed and I edited it to the best of my ability but I _always_ miss something so I'm sorry in advanced for any typos.

Warnings/Triggers: substance abuse

Word count: 8, 684

* * *

"You can't go outside!" Sam shouted. "It's raining, silly!" He looped his arms around his fiancé, Kurt's, waist, pulling him against him.

Kurt rubbed his nose lightly against Sam's, closing his eyes and smiling. "But I want to kiss you bye," Kurt murmured.

"You can kiss me bye right here in the _dry_ house."

Kurt rolled his eyes and pushed Sam out the door, following close behind him. Normally Kurt would freak out over going outside in the rain. Think of what would happen to his hair and his clothes! It'd be a complete disaster. But, on that cloudy October morning, Kurt didn't mind. His hair was already messed up from sleep, it was eight in the morning and he still hadn't showered yet. He was dressed in Sam's grey sweatpants and his old worn out OSU T-shirt. It was Sam's first day at work after his promotion, and he wanted to see him off.

Sam gives Kurt a quick peck before running out to the car, not wanting to get his suit wet and ruin it on his first day. Kurt stands in the middle of the front yard, twisting the ring on his finger that he still has yet to get used to. "I love you!" Sam shouts out the window as he pulls out of the driveway and goes off down the street.

Kurt smiles fondly at the quickly disappearing car. Sam. Sam loves him, Kurt knows that. Sam has done everything in his power to prove it to Kurt in the last three years. Sam says it was love at first sight for him. He loved Kurt when they met, he loved Kurt when Kurt thought that maybe he could love Sam, too. Sam loved Kurt when Kurt broke his heart; he loved Kurt when Kurt loved… Blaine. Kurt winces at the thought of the boy with the shining hazel eyes and the curly hair. Sam loved Kurt when Blaine didn't love Kurt. Sam loved Kurt when Kurt didn't even love Kurt.

Even though Sam knows that Kurt is never going to be able to love Sam the way Sam loves him—so _completely_, with everything that he is and despite all Kurt's flaws—Sam loves him anyway. And that's why when Sam got down on one knee with a red velvet box in his hand eight days ago, Kurt said yes. Because Sam loves him, out of everything else in the world he's unsure about, that's the one thing he's certain of.

_Blaine_.

The raindrops are falling down against Kurt's skin harder, more of them than before. When he had walked out here not even ten minutes ago, the rain was nothing but a light drizzle, wetting specks here and there on Sam's t-shirt. Now the shirt is almost completely drenched and Kurt should probably go inside and dry off but all he can do is stand in the yard and twist the ring on his finger—the ring that is going to link Kurt to Sam for the rest of his life.

It wasn't as if Kurt had never thought of marriage before. In fact, one of Kurt's goals in life was to get married before the age of thirty. It was just that Kurt had never thought of marriage with Sam. No, Kurt had always imagined that it would be the boy with the beautiful eyes who acted like he didn't have a care in the world, but deep down had a heart of gold, to get down on one knee with the red velvet box and ask those four words. It could have been him, if life was fair. But life was never really fair to either of them, which was one thing Kurt realized after two years of asking himself _whywhywhy._

Kurt sighed, finally able to move and decided that the rain was pouring down too hard now, faster than before and that it would be best if he just went inside. If he wanted to dwell on the past and question his future, he could do that in Sam's house warm and dry, sipping a glass of wine in front of the fire-place.

But as Kurt began walking back to the open doorway of Sam's house—the house that would soon stop being _Sam's_ and start being _theirs_—he heard a cough. It hadn't come from him that was for sure. Another cough followed, louder now, closer, the clearing of a throat. "Kurt?"

Kurt's eyes stung and he felt hot tears start to pour out of his eyes. That voice, he knew that voice. Hadn't he been longing to hear that voice for two years? He had just recently accepted the fact that maybe he would never hear that voice again. Kurt's dreamt about it for the past two years, feeling guilty when he wakes up in the night crying from the loss of it and Sam has to lull him back to sleep. Whether it was the rain, falling down in bucketfuls from the sky and down his face, or the hot flood of tears that had escaped him, he didn't know.

Kurt turned around and was faced with a boy who was shorter than him by just a few inches. A boy with wet, crazy curls falling over his face and glistening hazel eyes stared back at him. Kurt blinked once, twice, again. He tried to convince himself that this was just another dream that wouldn't come true. That soon he'd wake up in bed with Sam, hot and sweaty and tears falling down his face and Sam would hold him and shush him and whisper '_I know, baby, I know. I'm so sorry,' _in his ear. But the boy was still there, living and breathing the boy was _there_. Where was Sam? Why wasn't he waking up? Finally, in a choked, broken whisper, Kurt answers the boy.

"_Blaine_."

* * *

_"Hey!"_

_ Kurt turned around, eyes scanning the cafeteria looking for the person that belonged to the voice that had just shouted at him. Were they talking to him? He was the only one standing. He was the only one clutching on to his lunch tray, searching for his step-brother so he can have _someone _to sit with._

_ Kurt blew it off and sighed, looking around for his step-brother, Finn. It was the middle of the school year and Kurt and Finn had transferred to William McKinley High School from a small town whose population was 209—seriously, 209 people—because his step-mom had gotten a job as head nurse advisor in Lima's local hospital._

_ "Hey! I'm _talking _to you!"_

_ Kurt turned around again, this time finding the voice of the person shouting at him. It was a tan boy, arms crossed over his chest and feet up on the table. He, a boy with a Mohawk, and a girl in a red and white cheerleading uniform were the only occupants of the long table. "Y- yeah?" Kurt stuttered. Why was the boy talking to him? No one else had bothered to. It was the middle of the school year, they already had their group of friends, and no one wanted to adopt the new gay kid._

_ "Are you new?"_

_ "Uh- What?"_

_ The boy sighed and rolled his eyes, his feet falling off of the table and leaning in closer to Kurt. "Are, you, new?"_

_ "Oh. Uh, yeah, I am. I just transferred today."_

_ The boy leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest again. Kurt couldn't help but notice the way the tight white t-shirt he had on strained against his bicep. The boy smirked at him. "And where," he starts. "Have they been hiding such a pretty thing like you?"_

_ The cheerleader cackled, clutching on to her stomach and doubling over. "Watch out there, big boy," she said, patting the boy's knee and wiping her eyes._

_ Kurt felt heat flood his cheeks. Were they making fun of him? He didn't have time for this. He's graduating in five months. He didn't need to make friends at this new school, he had friends back at home, what Kurt needed to do was _survive_. Even though he lived in an incredibly small town in Ohio, of all places, the people in his town were accepting of him and his sexual orientation. They had known him all his life, had known his father and his grandfather. Here in Lima, where no one knew him, they weren't so accepting of who he was._

_ Kurt flinched when he felt a persistent tap on his shoulder. He turned around and was greeted with a small, perky brunette girl. "Hello!" she shouts, thrusting her hand into Kurt's, shaking vigorously. "I'm Rachel Berry and I can't help but notice that I've never seen you around here before! Are you new? Would you like to sit with me and my friends? I would hate for you to each lunch all alone."_

_ "Fuck off, Berry," the boy snaps. "Maybe New Kid wanted to sit with us, huh?" He looks at Kurt, eyes running up and down his body._

_ "Why would he want to sit with _you_, Blaine?" Rachel snapped._

_ Kurt looked back and forth between where Rachel had her hand wrapped around Kurt's bicep, ready to pull him away. "I just want to eat before lunch is over," Kurt mumbled. Blaine opens his mouth, but before any sounds can leave the curly haired boys lips, Rachel starts tugging on Kurt's arm. She waves goodbye to Blaine and the other two people at his table. Kurt looks back at Blaine as Rachel pulls him away. He can see anger flash across his eyes._

_ "Fuck you, Berry!" Blaine shouts and throws something on his lunch tray in Rachel's direction, missing her completely._

* * *

"Kurt," he breathes. He moves forward a step, holding his hand out and then dropping it as if he knew that that probably wasn't such a good idea. "Kurt," he repeats. It's as if Kurt's name is the only word he knows anymore. Blaine stands in the rain, a good two feet away from Kurt. He lets out a wet laugh, his eyes glistening bright and red rimmed. "You're just as beautiful as I remember."

Kurt stands in place, not sure what to do. He just wants to wake up already, he wants to believe that this is a dream and not some sort of fucked up reality that would bring Blaine back into his life as soon as Kurt accepted that he'd never come back. As soon as Kurt felt like he was finally ready to _really_ move on. There he is. There he is and it's not fair.

"What are you doing here?"

* * *

_"Hi, I'm Sam," the blonde boy sitting across from Kurt at Rachel's table smiles, holding his hand out._

_ His cheeks are red and he won't look into Kurt's eyes and how is it even _possible _for a person's lips to look like that? But Sam's adorable, nonetheless. "Kurt," he answers, shaking Sam's hand and smiling back at him._

* * *

"I wanted to see you," Blaine answers, frowning. Kurt had never been unhappy to see him, not even when things were turning to shit. Where was Kurt? Where was his Kurt? Where was the Kurt that smiled when he saw him and jumped into his arms, wrapping his legs around Blaine's waist? Blaine hadn't expected Kurt to wait for him, no of course not. In fact on the way here Blaine had hoped that Kurt would have found some nice guy. The moment he saw Kurt kiss that man goodbye, though, he wasn't so sure anymore. It _hurt_.

Blaine hadn't expected them to run across a field of daisies in slow motion into each other's arms, but he had expected Kurt to be at least _happy_ to see him. God knows Blaine was happy to see Kurt.

"Why," Kurt wipes at his nose. "Why didn't you want to see me a year ago, or six months ago or even two weeks ago, Blaine? Why now?"

"I- I did want to see you then. I've wanted to see you every second for the last two years."

"No!" Kurt shouts. "No," he whispers, more to himself than to Blaine now. "_Why are you here?"_

* * *

_Kurt was lost. He didn't even know where room 152A was. How the hell was he supposed to find 152B? Kurt didn't even know where he was right now. After several more moments of searching for the classroom he was becoming convinced didn't exist, he finally decided to stop being so stubborn and go to the office and ask for help._

_ "Well, well. What do we have here?" Kurt stops, squeezing his eyes shut at the sound of the familiar voice. "I'm talking to you, babe," the voice says when Kurt doesn't answer._

_ Kurt turns around and is met with Blaine's signature smirk. "I- I can't find my classroom," he explains._

_ "Tell me your name, babe," Blaine says, his voice low._

_ "If I tell you my name will you stop calling me that?" Kurt snaps._

_ "Maybe."_

_ Kurt crosses his arms over his chest and sighs. "My name is Kurt Hummel."_

_ "Hummel," he repeats. "I like that." Kurt looks down at his feet and blushes. Damn it, is there anything that doesn't make him blush? "Just like I like the way you blush every time I talk to you. Do I make you nervous, Kurt?" he asks, tilting Kurt's chin up. "The blush is hot. You're such a little virgin and I don't know why, but it's really turning me on."_

_ "I don't have time for this, I have to find my class," Kurt spins around, walking back towards the office._

_ Blaine runs in front of him, holding his hands up. "Alright, alright," he slowly lowers his hands. "What class do you have?"_

_ "Room 152B," Kurt answers._

_ Blaine is silent for a moment. "You have Health right now?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "With Coach Boyd?"_

_ "Yes," Kurt rolls his eyes, groaning impatiently. He's already missed enough of his class._

_ "Well, Kurt," he steps closer. "I'll show you where it's at." He's close to Kurt, too close. "But, I think my payment for my chivalrous service should be," he moves his mouth up to Kurt's ear. Kurt shivers at the feel of Blaine's hot breath on his skin. "A quick hand job in the bathroom."_

_ "What?!" Kurt shouts, shoving Blaine away from him. "No thanks. I think I'll manage." Kurt pushes past Blaine, on his way to the office to see if someone can show him where in the hell is room 152B._

_ Blaine grabs Kurt's wrist, spinning Kurt around to face him. "Okay, fine. No handjob. We'll save that for next time."_

_ "There's not going to be a next time," Kurt retorts._

_ "Look, Hummel," Blaine's mouth is by his ear again. "You're hot. I don't know why I'm digging this whole innocent virgin bullshit, but I am. And I am nothing if not persistent, so you can bet there's going to be a next time. There's going to be as many next times as necessary until I have you in my bed, screaming and begging for more next times."  
Kurt feels all the blood run from his cheeks straight down south. "Please," he whispers, his voice cracking. "Just show me where my class is."_

_ Blaine pulls back and looks Kurt in the eyes. Kurt's eyes flicker around the hallway, landing anywhere but on Blaine's. No one's ever hit on Kurt before. And Kurt never imagined he would enjoy being talked to like… _that_ too much. Kurt begins worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to focus on anything besides the dirty words Blaine had just whispered in his ear._

_ "Gladly," Blaine smirks, leading the way to room 152B._

* * *

"I'm better now," Blaine assures him. "I got help and I'm better now. And when I got help you were the first person I wanted to see."

He got help two years too late. If he had gotten help when Kurt asked him to, maybe they wouldn't be standing here right now. Maybe they'd be cuddled up on a couch in their own apartment in New York, lazing around the apartment and dreading going to work and school the next day. But he didn't, and so they're not. They're not in that fantasy world Kurt created for them so many years ago; back when they had first met. They're not in that fantasy world Kurt created when they started dating, the one that Kurt kept thinking about even months after Blaine disappeared.

He had hoped and pleaded and begged to a god he didn't believe in that Blaine would just come back. _'Please just give him back to me. Make him come back, please, please, please.'_ He wanted to know that Blaine was okay and safe and _alive_. For two years he'd woken up every morning wondering if that would be the day he'd read in the news online that they had found his body in a ditch, miles and miles away from Lima.

"I thought you were dead," Kurt whispers.

* * *

_"He likes you, you know," Rachel whispers to Kurt in Glee Club one afternoon._

_ "Sam?" Kurt asks. No, Sam didn't like him. Sam was Kurt's best friend at the school, surely Kurt would be able to tell if Sam liked him._

_ "Yeah," Rachel answers nonchalantly. "He totally likes you. That's why he gets pissed to hell when Blaine Anderson hits on you."_

_ "I thought that was just a best friend reflex?"_

_ "Nope," Rachel smiles. "That's _jealousy_, my friend. He's jealous because he doesn't want Blaine to talk to you like that, especially not when you like Blaine back."_

_ "What?!" Kurt shouted. The other members of the Glee Club looked at Kurt and Rachel, shooting them dirty glares for interrupting the lesson. "Sorry," Kurt mumbled, his face flushing red. "I do _not_ like Blaine Anderson, Rachel," Kurt whispers to her._

_ "Yeah you do," she answers and that's the end of that conversation, because Rachel smiles and goes to sit in the seat next to Finn._

_ Kurt looks across the room at Sam, whose eyes are directed right at Kurt. Kurt smiles softly at Sam and waves to him from across the room. Sam's cheeks turn a deep shade of red before Sam waves back, tearing his gaze away from Kurt. He was scared. He'd never had _one_ boy like him before, let alone _two_, one of those boys being his best friend. Kurt liked Sam, he did, but he liked Sam in the friendly sort of way. He liked Sam in the way that he wouldn't mind hanging out and complaining about boys to him while they studied together._

_ Mulling over his own thoughts that afternoon in Glee Club, Kurt realized that Rachel was right. Kurt did like Blaine. Why? Not even he would be able to tell you the answer to that. He just… did. He liked the game of cat and mouse they played and he liked the dirty words Blaine whispered in his ear as he passed by Kurt in the hallways. He liked telling Blaine no, because that'd only make him try ten times harder the next day._

_Kurt liked Blaine. But he couldn't ever like Sam back the way he wanted Kurt to._

* * *

"I know you did," Blaine answers, taking a step closer to Kurt. He takes a step back. Blaine looks crushed at the reaction Kurt has to him going anywhere near him. This wasn't how this was supposed to be. Blaine had never thought that they'd have ended up like this. "I thought I was dead for a while, too."

"You could have called me," Kurt yells, his pent up anger over the course of two years finally catching up with him now. "You could have written me a letter, you could have fucking sent someone to tell me you were okay. You could have _told_ me, Blaine. I think I, of all people, deserved to know."

"Kurt, please, if you would just listen to me," Blaine pleads, his voice breaking. "If you would just listen to me I can tell you everything."

* * *

_"He doesn't deserve you, Kurt," Sam said through gritted teeth. "When are you going to realize that he's never going to be able to treat you the way I will? He doesn't respect you, Kurt. Do you even listen when he talks to you? Do you hear all the vulgar things he tells you?"_

_"Sam, please," Kurt whispers, looking down at the floor. Kurt had just told Sam the news that him and Blaine were now officially dating. "You don't know him the way I do, Sam. He's a totally different person when he doesn't have to put up a show for everybody else."_

_"That just makes him a liar, Kurt! You don't even know who the real Blaine Anderson is!" Sam's voice gets higher and higher with every word he says, and it makes Kurt's heart hurt. Sam gets down on his knees in front of Kurt, making Kurt look at him in the eyes. "You know who _I_ am though, Kurt. You know what I want and how I feel about you and you know who I am."_

_"Sam, please, you're my best friend, I don't want to fight with you."_

_"It's not fair, Kurt!" Sam shouts, standing up and pacing around the room. "I _love _you. Don't you get it, Kurt? I _love_ you. I treat you right. I'm here every time he makes you feel like shit. Every time you're sad I'm here to be your shoulder to cry on. Does he do that for you?"_

_ Kurt remained silent._

_ Sam nodded his head. "I guess that answers that." Sam sighs, raking his fingers through his blonde hair. He sits down on the bed next to Kurt and takes one of Kurt's hands in his, using the other hand to lift Kurt's chin up so Kurt can look at him instead of the floor. "You know what I'm going to do?" Sam asks. "I'm going to let you go ahead and do this. It's going to hurt like hell, but I'm going to let it happen and I'm going to still be here for you, watching from the sidelines. And when he hurts you, because Anderson is a piece of shit, Kurt, and I know he will, I'm going to be here for you. I am always going to be here for you, Kurt, because I love you."_

_ That moment was not the first moment that Kurt had tried to find it within himself to love Sam back._

* * *

"When- When you left—"

"_I _never left, Blaine," Kurt interrupts. How dare he? How dare he have the audacity to say that _Kurt_ was the one who left? "I was right here the whole time. _You_ left."

"When you broke up with me," Blaine corrects himself. "I didn't know what to do with myself. You had helped me so much, Kurt. You were the only thing good I had in my shitty life. The thought of living without you, I just couldn't do it," Blaine explains. "And that's why I left."

"You couldn't live without me so you disappeared off of the face of the earth?" Blaine Anderson was something else.

"You don't understand, Kurt," Blaine says, and Kurt can see the tears glistening in his eyes. "I had already lost everything else and then I lost you? I didn't want to see you every day at school and know that I had had something so amazing and lost it because I was stupid, because I was selfish."

Kurt was _furious_. Blaine was right. He had been selfish. The only thing that had ever mattered to Blaine from the very first day was _Blaine. _Did he ever really matter to Blaine? How foolish was he to think that he did? Kurt stood in front of Blaine, his hands bundled into fists at his sides, his jaw clenched. "Just," Kurt managed to choke out. "Just leave me alone." Kurt turns around, walking back towards the house.

But Blaine was never one to let something go without a fight. He ran after Kurt, holding on to Kurt's wrist and turning him around to look him in the eyes. "Kurt," he whispered, bringing Kurt's wrist up to his mouth and kissing on the inside of it. Kurt let out choked sobs. He had no idea what he was feeling. He was _angry_ at Blaine for leaving, frustrated that he had come back, sad that he had ever left in the first place. He was disappointed in _himself_ because Kurt felt his strength slowly withering away as he felt sparks shoot through his skin from having Blaine's lips on him for the first time in two years. "_Please_," he murmured against the skin inside Kurt's wrist. "Please calm down. Listen to what I have to say, okay?"

Kurt nodded, listening.

* * *

_Kurt threw his head back, moaning in ecstasy as he slowly lowered himself down on Blaine's cock. Blaine groaned, thrusting his hips up to meet Kurt. Kurt ran his fingers down Blaine's chest, letting out a shaky moan._

_ Kurt doesn't think he'll ever get used to this. He won't ever get used to the feel of Blaine inside of him. He won't ever get used to the feel of himself slowly stretching around Blaine as Blaine pushed inside. He'll never get used to feeling so full and so impossibly close to someone._

_ Kurt looked down at the boy he loved. His pupils were lust blown, leaving nothing but a thin ring of hazel around the blacks of his eyes. Blaine grabs Kurt's face and pulls it down to meet his, crushing his lips against Kurt's. Kurt sits back up, scratching lightly down Blaine's side. Blaine digs into the purple finger shaped bruises on Kurt's hips, the ones from time and time before. Kurt loves him, he loves Blaine._

_ That's another thing he doesn't think he'll ever get used to._

_ "Why aren't you moving, baby?" Blaine asks roughly. His tone is authoritative, demanding, but if you listen close enough, you can hear the desperation in his voice. You can hear that he's desperate for Kurt, desperate for Kurt to slide up and down his cock and make him feel good._

_ Kurt rolls his hips, biting into his lips at the sensation that shoots up his body as he does so. He smirks and watches as Blaine throws his head back on the pillow, arching his neck and shakily moaning Kurt's name. The noises Blaine makes? Yeah, Kurt's not so sure he'll ever get used to that either. "I just want to feel you," Kurt says. He wants to watch as Blaine slowly comes undone beneath him. He wants to see Blaine pant and writhe and squeeze his eyes shut. He wants to see Blaine feel good and revel in the fact that it's because of Kurt._

_ Blaine digs deeper into his hips, holding him still as Blaine starts moving his hips up and down, slamming into Kurt hard and fast. No, Kurt doesn't want it to be over and done with, he wants to take his time and enjoy it. They have all the time in the world. Kurt pulls Blaine's hands off of his hips, pinning Blaine's wrists down above his head. "_Kurt_," Blaine whines._

_ Kurt keeps Blaine's wrists pinned down and runs his lips up Blaine's neck and too his ear. "Shh," he whispers. "What's the rush?" Kurt digs his face in Blaine's neck, sucking and kissing at the skin. Slowly, ever so fucking painfully slowly, Kurt begins moving his ass up and down the length of Blaine's cock. Blaine strains against Kurt's grip on his wrists, wanting nothing more than to hold Kurt still while he pounds into him._

_ "I love you," Kurt whispers against Blaine's lips. It wasn't the first time he had said it, and it wouldn't be the last. Blaine kisses Kurt, sucking on his bottom lip hungrily. Kurt can feel Blaine's hot and shaky breath against his lips. Kurt moves his hips faster now, feeding off of Blaine's whimpers and moans and his constant string of '_Kurt, please_.' "I love you," Kurt says again, his breathing becoming shorter._

_ "I love you too," Blaine manages to say through his incoherent sounds. Kurt smiled and let go of Blaine's wrists. The next thing Kurt knows, they're flipped over and Blaine is hovering over him, still inside of him. Blaine holds on to Kurt's hips, slowly dragging out and snapping his hips forward._

_ Blaine's hips are moving faster than Kurt can ever remember them moving, pounding harder against Kurt's ass than Blaine normally does. Kurt arches his back and yells as Blaine brushes against his prostate, hitting that spot again and again, each time harder than the last. Kurt clenches tight around Blaine, "Touch me," he begs. And Blaine does. Kurt grips on to the bed sheets, crying out in pleasure and coming over Blaine's hand. Even though Kurt's coming down from his high and his hole is sensitive, Blaine keeps going until his hips start losing the steady rhythm they had before. He groans out Kurt's name as his hips still, deep inside of Kurt, and he comes hard and fast._

_ Blaine collapses on top of Kurt, and Kurt wraps his legs around Blaine's waist, circling his arms around his neck and holding Blaine close. Kurt kisses Blaine's temple as the boy hides his face in his neck and tries to steady his breathing. Kurt holds the boy he loves close to him as their breath finally evens out and they both fall asleep._

**_…_**

_Kurt groans and covers the pillow over his head to block out the noise. Blaine's phone had started ringing, the repetitive sound loud and annoying as it droned on and on. "Answer your phone," Kurt murmurs sleepily. Blaine grunts, pulling Kurt into his arms and cuddling into him._

_ "It's late, Kurt," Blaine mumbles. "I can call whoever it is back in the morning. Now, come here and let's go back to sleep." Kurt sighs and checks the time on Blaine's clock on his nightstand. It was 3:42 am. Surely if someone was calling Blaine at 3:42 am it had to be important? But Blaine insisted that it could wait, despite Kurt's protests. Blaine kissed Kurt softly, nuzzling his face in the skin between Kurt's shoulder blades, already slipping back into unconsciousness. Kurt could feel his eyelids getting heavy with sleep when the phone rang again._

_ "_Blaine_," Kurt whined, hitting Blaine on the arm. "Answer the phone so they can stop calling you and we can go to sleep."_

_ Blaine let out an over exaggerated sigh and reached out blindly for his phone on the bedside table. "Hello?" he answered, frustrated. But almost immediately after he had answered the phone, he sat up straight in bed. "What is it?" he asked frantically. Kurt sat up in bed, worried by the tone of Blaine's voice, and rubbed soothing circles into Blaine's bare back. "What's wrong?" Blaine's breath had caught in his throat and his body went rigid under Kurt's touch. After a few minutes of silence, no other sound besides the faint mumble from the phone, Blaine let out a shaky breath. "Yeah," he answered. "Yeah, I'll be right there."_

_ He hung up the phone and got out of bed, using the moonlight to look through the room for his clothes that Kurt had thrown somewhere in the room in his frantic hurry to get Blaine naked. "What happened?" Kurt asked, concerned._

_ "It's-" Blaine whispered, his voice breaking. He fell down on to the floor in front of the bed, bringing his knees up to his chest and pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes. Kurt got down on the floor next to him, pulling Blaine into his arms and kissing his hair. "My mom," Blaine whispered. "My dad called me and my mom, she's- she died."_

_ Kurt froze. He was no stranger to this. Death had taken his mother away from him too, and he wouldn't wish that pain upon anyone _especially_ not Blaine. Kurt placed kisses across Blaine's head and temples, tracing his skin with his lips until he reached his lips. "Do you want me to go with you?"_

_ Blaine shakes his head and kisses Kurt chastely. "No," he answers, finding a pair of sweatpants and pulling them on. "No, I'm just," he sighs and pulls on a t-shirt over his head, grabbing his car keys off the nightstand. "I'm just going to go to be there for my dad and to see my mom," his voice shakes as he answers._

_ "Well, I'll be here waiting for you," Kurt whispered. He walked with Blaine out of the bedroom to the door. Kurt spent more time in Blaine's apartment now than he spent at home. This _was_ his home now, Blaine was his home. Blaine kissed Kurt again before going out the door. "Hey Blaine?" Kurt calls after him. Blaine turns around, his sad, hazel eyes looking into Kurt's blue ones. "I love you."_

_ Blaine nods. "I love you, too."_

* * *

They were still standing out in the rain. Kurt wanted to offer Blaine to go inside and dry off and say what he needed to say. But that wouldn't be fair to Sam. Oh, right, Sam. Sam was his fiancé. Sam was his fiancé only because Kurt had finally lost hope, after two years of waiting, that Blaine would come back. But yet, as soon as Kurt accepts that fact, here he is.

"The first few months after I left, nothing changed," Blaine begins. "I was doing the same things I did that caused me to lose you. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had stopped being me and I had become… _it._ I had become so consumed by my want for it that I lost myself along the way. When reality finally hit that I had lost you, I kept doing it to forget about you. I only thought of you when I was sober.

But one morning I woke up on a mattress in an alley outside an abandoned toy factory and you weren't there. I woke up and you weren't there and it _killed me_. And I realized that that's what I wanted, that that's what I was stupid enough to have let go. For the first time, I _wanted _to change. I got lost along the way, Kurt. But that day when I woke up and I just wanted to roll over and hug you and smell you and kiss you and I couldn't because you weren't there, that's the day that I got hit in the face with reality."

The rain has ceased by then, and Kurt realizes that no, it wasn't just the rain, he's crying. He's crying because he has missed Blaine _so much_. He won't deny it, he still loves Blaine. How can you fall out of love with someone who was your first _everything?_ Your first boyfriend, your first kiss, your first time, your first love. There was always, always going to be a part of Kurt that loved Blaine. He has spent a year of his life with Blaine imagining what the rest of his life was going to be like with him. He spent another year practically searching the ends of the earth to find Blaine and be able to spend his life with him again. But after another year, he finally caved and decided that it was his time to be loved and Sam was more than willing to do that for him.

Blaine presses his forehead against Kurt's, the silence driving him insane. "I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life, Kurt. I don't ever want to wake up again without your face being the first thing I see, that's no way to live." And still, Kurt was silent.

"I love you," Blaine whispered into Kurt's ear.

It's taking everything in Kurt to not give in to him.

* * *

_Blaine had left to the hospital eight days ago. He wouldn't answer Kurt's texts, and every call was cut off after a few rings so Kurt _knew _it was on and charged and that Blaine had it. It was a Saturday night when Blaine finally came home. Kurt had been curled up in Blaine's bed when the front door was thrown open so roughly Kurt could hear the door crash against the wall all the way from the bedroom. He sat up in bed, waiting for Blaine to walk to through the doors so Kurt could hug him and kiss him and tell him how much he loved him and missed him while he was gone._

_ "Oh shit," Blaine giggled, stumbling clumsily into the room."Kurt?" Blaine asked once he had flipped the light switch on. "What are you doing here?"_

_ "I was," Kurt heard movement behind Blaine and strained his neck to see that Blaine had brought someone with him. It was a boy, who was just as giggly and bubbly as Blaine was acting. "I was waiting for you," Kurt sat up straighter now in the bed. Why was Blaine bringing a boy into his apartment? "Are you drunk?"_

_ The boy behind Blaine giggled. "Too far gone to be drunk," he mumbled and Blaine giggled along with him._

_ "Kurt you need to go home," Blaine said as he stumbled into the room and sat on the bed next to Kurt, the boy trailing behind him. Blaine crushed his lips against Kurt's, curling his fingers in Kurt's hair. Blaine tasted… different. Kurt's eyes landed back on the boy Blaine had brought home with him. "Go on, baby," Blaine nodded towards the door. "Out."_

_ "I am _not _a dog Blaine do not speak to me like that," Kurt snapped. "Who is he? Why is he here?"_

_ "Kurt, I swear to fucking god you need to get out or else we're gonna do it on your stomach."_

_ "You're- You're what?"_

_ The boy standing in the doorway pulled a baggie filled with white powder from his jacket pocket. Kurt stared at the bag in the boy's hand. He looked at Blaine, noticing now Blaine's constant sniffling as he tried to get Kurt to leave the room. "Blaine," Kurt whispered. "Is that-"_

_ "Yes, Kurt," Blaine rolled his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. "Now _please_ get the fuck out, because I know you're not going to be willing to do it with us and I know you're gonna try to stop me if you're in here."_

_ Blaine was right. They sat on the bed arguing for what felt like forever, Kurt trying to make the boy in the doorway leave as Blaine tried to make Kurt leave. Finally Blaine had had enough and took Kurt by his wrist and stood up, dragging Kurt out of the room and towards the front door. "Kurt!" Blaine shouted. "Get the fuck out!"_

_ He pushed Kurt out of the door and slammed the door in Kurt's face, cutting him off before he got a chance to protest some more._

**_…_**

_ "Babe," Blaine whined, lying in the bed as Kurt stood in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. "Jesus Christ, Kurt, will you quit bitch glaring at me and get the fuck in bed?"_

_ "Are we going to talk about it?"_

_ Blaine sighed and covered his face with a pillow. "There is nothing to talk about Kurt," Blaine said through gritted teeth. He was tired of Kurt always trying to bring it up in conversation. His mother had just died a month ago for fucks sake. So what if he liked to take drugs every now and then to forget about the pain? He could stop any time he wanted._

_ That time just wasn't now._

**_…_**

_ "I can't do this anymore, Blaine," Kurt whispered one day._

_ Blaine looked up at Kurt, his pupils blown after just having finished sniffing what remained of the bag Sebastian had gotten him. "What?"_

_ "You need help, Blaine," Kurt said, his throat tightening. "You say you can stop but you won't and you're only getting worse. I can't do this."_

_ "So what are you trying to say?"_

_ "That you need to get help," Kurt answers, looking down at the table and not at Blaine. "And if you don't get help, I'm going to break up with you." Blaine's heart felt as if it had stopped in his chest. He knew he had been treating Kurt pretty shitty lately, but that didn't mean he loved him any less. Tears started falling slowly, staining Kurt's cheeks. "I'm not going to sit here and watch you kill yourself."_

_ Blaine scoffed, pulling himself back together. Who was he kidding? This was _Kurt_. He knew Kurt loved him, Kurt would never leave him. He dismissed Kurt's warning and took what little was left in the bag on his finger, rubbing the finger against his teeth. "Are you going to get help?" Kurt broke the silence._

_ "No," Blaine answered. "Because I don't fucking need help, Kurt. You love me, you're not going to leave. I love you, too, so it's okay. Calm down."_

_ Kurt stood up, pushing the chair back from where he was sitting with Blaine at the kitchen table in the small apartment. "Yes you do!" he cried. "Stop denying it! Admit you need help and go get it _right now_ or I'm going to walk out that door. And if I leave, I promise you I will not come back until you get help." But all Blaine did was roll his eyes, waving his hand dismissively. Blaine got up and walked into the kitchen, searching through the cupboards for food. He turned around and saw that the space where Kurt had been standing was empty now._

_ All you could hear in the quiet apartment was the sound of the front door slamming in the distance._

**_…_**

_ Sam pushed the hair off of Kurt's forehead as Kurt curled into him, his body shaking as he let out gut wrenching sobs. "It's all my fault," Kurt cried, repeating himself over and over as Sam continued to smooth the hair off of Kurt's forehead._

_ "It's not your fault," Sam assured him, hiding his face in Kurt's hair. Even with puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks, Kurt was the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. He knew Blaine would end up hurting Kurt, and he knew Kurt would run to him. Sam just didn't think it would have hurt this much to see the boy he loved so… broken._

_ That's what Kurt was. He was broken._

_ "He's been missing for weeks, Sam" Kurt cries, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his sweater. "He left the night I broke up with him."_

_ "You had a good reason to break up with him, Kurt. You can't blame yourself for that."_

_ "But if I had stayed," Kurt cried. "If I had tried to help him—"_

_ "You _did_, Kurt," Sam assured him, looking Kurt into his beautiful blue eyes. "You did try to help him, and he didn't want your help. How can you save someone who isn't willing to be saved?"_

_ Well?_

**_…_**

_ "What's today?" Sam asks as he lays sprawled out on Kurt's bed, filling out college applications._

_ "August 24," Kurt answered. August 24. His face fell immediately as soon as he remembered why that date sounded so familiar. "Sam," Kurt whispers, his voice breaking._

_ "Yeah?" Sam asks, distracted by all the forms he had to fill out._

_ "It's August 24," Kurt repeated._

_ "Yeah, Kurt, I know you told me th— Oh."_

_ "It's been a year," Kurt says shakily, the tears already filling his eyes. It's not that he had forgotten about Blaine—no, never. It's just that he was at the point where he could go weeks at a time without thinking about him. Missing Blaine came in waves, occasional—yet extremely painful—waves._

_ "I know," Sam answers, setting the applications aside and sitting up in Kurt's bed, looking down at where Kurt sits in the center of his bedroom floor._

_ "I miss him," the tears are falling now._

_ Sam rakes his fingers through his hair, getting on the floor down next to Kurt and holding him like he always does in moments like these. "I know," Sam whispered into his hair. "I know."_

**_…_**

_ Two months later, Kurt finally gave up on his endeavor to search for the boy who did not want to be found. Sam had been right from the very beginning. Blaine didn't want to be found, so what was the point in wasting his time trying to find him? What was the point in wasting his life away, missing him and waiting for him to come home?_

_There wasn't one._

**_…_**

_ "Hey, Kurt?" Sam said one day as they sat in Sam's living room watching trashy reality TV._

_ "Yeah?"_

_ "I love you."_

_ Kurt sighed. Sam knew how this conversation ended, it ended the same every time. But as Kurt opened his mouth to tell Sam _I know you do, and I love you too just… not like that_, he closed his mouth. Why didn't Kurt love Sam like that? Sam loved Kurt, didn't Sam deserve to be loved back? Hell, didn't _Kurt _deserve to be loved the way that Sam loved him?_

_ Kurt looked at his best friend for almost three years on the opposite end of the couch. Sam has loved him for the past three years, despite all the bullshit and heartache Kurt has put him through. He's loved him at his absolute worst. When Sam walked in on Kurt laying on his bathroom floor, screaming out in no one in particular to _please_ just give Blaine back to him or make the pain of missing him stop, Sam still loved him. He got down on the floor next to Kurt, as he had so many times before and would continue to do in the future, and held Kurt as he cried._

_ Sam has loved him unconditionally. Kurt deserves that. Kurt deserves to let himself jut be loved the way he deserves to be loved. So, that's why Kurt got up, crawled over to Sam's side of the couch and pressed his lips against Sam's. Sam's body went still from shock before he wrapped him arms around Kurt's neck, kissing him deeply and passionately._

_ "I know," Kurt answers. "Thank you."_

**_…_**

_ "I know we've only been an official couple for a year," Sam says one night. It's their one year anniversary, and Sam insisted on taking Kurt out somewhere nice. It's just like Sam, to spoil Kurt with things he doesn't deserve. "But I've been in love with you for almost four years now, you know?"_

_ Kurt laughed, looking down at the menu. "Yeah, yeah," Kurt says playfully. "I've heard the stories."_

_ Sam smiles, taking Kurt's hand in his. "Kurt," Sam says, his tone serious now. "I just- thank you."_

_ "For what?"_

_ "For giving me the chance to love you."_

_ Kurt smiles warmly at Sam. Over the course of the year, Kurt has allowed himself the pleasure of falling in love with Sam. He doesn't love Sam as much as he loved Blaine, and he still misses Blaine every day, but it's the first time in a long time Kurt's opened himself up to someone like that again. He trusts Sam not to hurt him. "Thank you for loving me despite all the shit I've put you through."_

_ In the blink of an eye, Sam got down on one knee in front of Kurt. "Sam what are you—"_

_ Sam pulled out a small red velvet box from his pocket, opening it up to reveal a beautiful silver band. "Kurt," Sam starts, his breath shaking nervously. "I- I know you can't love me with all that you are, because not all of you is there anymore," Sam says. He understands. "And that's okay, I know you love me with what's left of you, and that's all that matters to me. _You_ matter to me Kurt. I promise you that I will never leave you when things go bad, and I will do everything in my power to fix whatever happens to become broken between us, because I love you. I love you with all that _I _am, and I know you know that. So please, let me love you like that every day from now on. Let me give you the world, Kurt, because I'd do it if only you'd let me. Will you marry me?"_

_ Tears fill Kurt's eyes as he looks at the man in front of him. Sam may not be able to actually give Kurt the world, but he knows that if he asked Sam to, he'd die trying. Sam has put Kurt above all else in this world from the very moment they met, and Kurt had taken that for granted. Not anymore. They both deserve this. Kurt deserves to be happy and feel love and Sam deserves to love and be loved in return._

_ That's why, after minutes of agonizing silence, Kurt answers Sam._

_ "Yes."_

* * *

"I'm engaged," Kurt says quietly. His heart aching inside his chest when he sees the light go out in Blaine's eyes.

"Oh," he whispers, pulling away from Kurt. "I- I'm sorry. I just- I didn't mean to- I should-"

"It's okay," Kurt assures him. "You didn't know."

"Wow," Blaine says, running his hands through his damp and messy curls. "Married, wow. Aren't you," Blaine sighs, a single tear falling down his cheek. "You're a little young though, aren't you Kurt?" Kurt shrugs in reply, as if to say _Oh well_. "Who is it?" Kurt looks down at the ground now. Sam had always been a difficult subject between the two of them when they were together. Blaine knew the way Sam felt about Kurt, and he didn't like it. But Kurt's silence said everything, and soon Blaine was nodding in understanding. "Do you love him?"

"Yeah," Kurt answers. "He takes care of me."

"Good," Blaine's voice cracks. "I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you."

"You did a good job at it before everything got fucked up."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes." Kurt doesn't hesitate to answer, because it's true. Kurt still loves Blaine, a part of him always will.

Blaine nods. "I should- I should go, then." Blaine wraps his arms around Kurt, holding him tight against his chest and squeezing his arms around him as if his life depended on it. Blaine hid his face in Kurt's damp hair, breathing in the scent of Kurt that he had missed so much. He places a soft kiss to Kurt's forehead before making his way back across the lawn. He stops halfway, though and turns around to look at Kurt. "Were you happy with me?"

"Happier than I've ever been in my life," Kurt answers truthfully.

The tears run down Blaine's face now and it gets more difficult to talk. "Are you happy?"

Kurt sighs, wiping under his eyes with the damp sleeve of a sweater that looked far too large to belong to him. "I feel," Kurt begins. "I feel like for the first time in a long time, maybe I can be."

"I love you so much, Kurt," Blaine cries. "I got help for you—for _us_. I love you so much and I want to be with you. But, if you're happier without me, I won't stand in the way of you and happiness anymore." He lets out a humorless laugh and the sobs start racking his body. "I really love you, Kurt. I'm so sorry. I wish it could have been otherwise."

Kurt crosses his arms over his chest, nodding in understanding. "I know you are," Kurt says, the tears pooling in his eyes causing his throat to tighten. "I wish it could have been otherwise, too," Kurt admits. "But it's not otherwise, it's _this_wise and I know you're sorry, Blaine. But sometimes that just isn't enough."

But oh, how he wishes it were.


End file.
